Tuesday, August 18, 2009

devotional journey

In the alone place, fear closes in as I sense my aloneness.
The part of me with YOU , that I lost, wondering in its own apprehensions,
causing my sprit to imitate a mime, pressing against invisible walls that soundlessly threaten suffocation by unconscious yet deliberate isolation.
And I long for the resuscitation that YOUR breath brings.
Giving life to all my members, strength to my soul.

Causing me to unfold like a wet new butterfly, fighting to unwrap itself from the bondage of its self-imposed cocoon,
to spread new and unfamiliar members for the very fist time, testing their strength, readying these fragile members for the act of ascending

Not caring for the fact that is it the struggle which produces strength to take wing and fly while resisting the urge to cast off my independence and call upon YOUR help.
I weary myself and wonder at my ability to continue on, to rise above where I presently lie…

This place is not kind to my spirit’s expectations and I am lost in the prison of myself while YOU patiently hold the key and wait…
wait for me to invite YOU into this alone place…

But I have learned of another space called time, that calls sweetly to me, that woos me gently to its bosom, causing me to rest in the discovery that it is in the alone time that I find YOU.
Refreshing me like newly falling dew, washing me in my own tears, imparting YOUR comfort like liquid oil soothing my heart, melting my defenses and all the reasons why I deny YOU, until I find myself back in this place where fellowship is sweet communion, where intimacy is second nature, where I am reminded of YOUR faithfulness and YOUR love for me….

Yet there is a time called alone that I fear, but cannot seem to flee, for an invisible arm grips me suddenly, unexpectedly, while supporters I counted true vanish
Daring me to keep my standard in the face of a million opposing voices

I stand in the cold, shivering from my own indecision, torn by the reality of how little I trust YOU, as my stomach knots in hunger for one word of reassurance, from YOU who holds the key to my wholeness, that I am really not alone…

Still there is a place called alone that I seek, tucked beneath the arm of God, warm and sweet. A place where I can lay my weariness and unanswerable questions finding revelation in the rest that HIS heartbeat gives. As I burrow deeper into the folds of HIS breast, lost in the depths of HIS mysteries and riches untold, found in HIS love that always finds me when I Feel most alone.

Taken from the book His Love Always Finds Me : God’s Passionate Pursuit of His People by Michelle McKinney Hammond

I have not been in the word for about two months now. Since summer started and routines changed, my time with the Lord has stopped too. Lately I can really tell that something has been missing. I keep saying I just need some time alone to recharge and refresh. In "time alone" i was thinking of doing things like scrapbooking, sewing, painting.... and then it hit me like a ton of bricks that i dont need "bonnie" time, i need "God" time. i find myself on the computer way to much of my day, it is easy to do. the computer sits in the kitchen, so every time i walk by i check to see if there is any new mail and then i usually get sucked into facebook or photography blogs. it has almost become like an addiction. my little escape. so i am trying hard to change this habit. i am going to close my computer and place a bible on it instead. so if i have time to pass by and take a minute to check emails then i surely have time to read a verse or two instead. i am also really going to try to devote some real time to devotions. i need help with this. it is so hard for me to get back into the routine of devotions. i covet your prayers for my ability to stick with this. thanks friends


Tara said...

Amen, friend. I think this is something that we all struggle with. I too am excited about getting back into a "routine" for my personal Bible Study. For me, when I don't have to be accountable in my bible study group, the quiet times get less predictable too. Thanks for the reminder that we need to make "God time" everyday...even more than email time. Love you!

Jules said...

i so appreciate your honesty bonnie. getting time in the lord's presence is difficult but the best part is that when we make the effort he meets us in that place. i would encourage you to take time to listen to jesus during your time. he has amazing things to say when we sit quietly in his presence. if you're looking for a short thought provoking book that helps you listen i would recommend jesus calling by sarah young. will be praying for you. keep us updated on what happens! believe me the time will be worth it!

mom said...

i was so happy and touched when i saw this post, your desire and willingness is encouraging to me, i love the idea of keeping your Bible on top of the computer!!! you go girl, looking forward to seeing what God will do when we are ready to listen. love ya

Dad said...

Hi Bon , I love you so much , I think God teaches us in different ways in different seasons of our life as we walk with him and when its hard to walk with him , i'm so proud of you for searching for a answer , what a great idea to keep your bible on top of the laptop . I will keep you in my prayers . love Dad

Anonymous said...

great idea & reasoning behind it. i think making daily time for God takes such a huge amount of discipline. i too know of the "me time" feel. how eye opening to see it as "God time." I will be praying for you as school starts back up and as you find the rhythm to your Christ-centered day with the kids back at school.